I'm a Stay at Home Mom

Dear Zoe,

I am happily employed by one of the major five banks in Canada.  I am quite content in my current role and have been with the bank for over 9 years.   But since I've become your mom, Zoe, I AM a stay a home mom.  Not because I am on Maternity leave but because daily I choose to stay at home. I don't go out much. By choice.

These last couple of months have been quite different here at home.  With your arrival, we have acquired a tiny little princess in the house.  You are precious, cute and oh-so-adorable.  But you are also quite demanding - again very different than your brothers were.  And rightly so - after all, you are a girl.  Girls demand more attention.  I don't blame you.  I can see it's your tummy that is bothering you.

Since you mama has cut out cow dairy from her diet you have improved greatly.  On the days when your tummy is not bothering you, you are so chill; without a care in the world.  But those days are few and far between.  We never know when your tummy will corporate and when it will have a temper-tantrum.  I wish I could put your tummy on time-out, like I do with your brothers.  They always change their attitudes after time-out... maybe your tummy would too.

When I was a first time mom and I had your oldest brother Noah, I would pack up a bag and head out to a friend's house or the mall or run out the door for groceries with him in tow.  Never did it occur to me to skip out on a church event or not visit a friend or send someone else to get my groceries.  Noah was easy. He would nurse wherever we were and fell asleep in the car almost instantly.  Then he'd stay asleep for nearly 2 hours while I did whatever it is that I was out of the house for.

Then Josh came along.  Noah was 3 and again it wasn't a big deal.  Josh was a wee bit more difficult to please but nothing I couldn't handle.  Noah was always obedient and before Josh was mobile he was quite the angel too (as you and I both know, he's a bit more [clearing throat] independent and free-roaming now.)

But then when you came along my baby-trotting, get-up-and-go attitude has taken quite a turn.  You don't like to nurse out and about.  You are a "stay at home and nurse" type of baby.  You don't like the car as much as the boys.  Sure you'll fall asleep once we get going, but you'll still wake up in 20-30 min, whether still in the car or if we are in the store.  But at home, in mommy and daddy's king size bed, your naps are long and uninterrupted.

I love you so much baby girl.  No matter how much you've changed my world.  It's all for the better. I'll just roll with the punches and snuggle you while you'll have me.  I know one day soon (10 years or so) you'll be so annoyed with your mom who is trying oh-so-hard to be cool.

By-the-way, although you are only 2.5 months old you are already wearing 6 month clothing.  LOL.  I think it's really funny.  You are quite the long baby.  Not too chunky, but very very cute and big.  I still remember Dr. Jacey handing you to me moments after you were born, jokingly saying, "Here's your 3 month old."  And the whole room laughed.  And I fell in love with you.

So glad you are mine,
your mom

Weed

Dear Little Zoe,

Your older brother Noah, who is turning 7-years-old in one month, started Grade 2 today.  He is like a weed growing before my eyes.  I suddenly really saw him as a little man today.  He picked out his own outfit for first day - a pair of black soccer shorts, a blue "Skylanders" T-shirt and orange rain boots.  It's certainly not the first time he's picked out his clothes.  In fact, he has been voicing his preference for certain outfits or dislike for others.   If it was up to me I would have chosen a pair of jeans or khaki shorts and a plaid button-down shirt with the top button unbuttoned.  Who am I to define "cool"?  I certainly didn't know what it was when I was in elementary school... But I allowed and encouraged him to pick his own outfit so that he will feel confident for the first day.

He is slowly (but it feels more like suddenly) maturing and becoming his own little person.  I can't believe how tall he's gotten already; how attentively he hears the world around him and everything I say even when he is super hyper-focused on the LEGO gizmos he's been building.  I can be in the other room talking to his Buni or on the phone with someone and suddenly I hear him ask, "What's that mom? Where are we going on Sunday for lunch?" Or as I'm describing your other brother's latest shenanigans to your daddy, Noah will say "... yeah, Josh IS a trouble-maker."  I look over at him and he is still fully engulfed in his LEGO creation and has not even looked up.  At dinner tonight, while you were napping in the other room, he told me - in French - that he is full and can't have anymore.  I don't speak French so I was thankful that he followed up that sentence with the translation in English. It's amazing how quickly he has picked up the language.  This will be his fourth year in the French Immersion program offered by his school.  He has a knack for languages and I am certain he will be quite fluent fairly soon - if he isn't already.

I was glad to see him start school today. He does well in that structured environment and he is doing very well academically.  I have very high respect for teachers.  They are truly in the trenches everyday and I am very grateful to them.

One day, Zoe, you'll also head off to school in whatever outfit you come up with and I'm certain you'll love it too. Although I can't yet envision you running around in a little tutu around the house even, I'm sure that day will come before I know it.  I don't know what I'm feeding you kids, but you all grow up so quickly.

In fact, your turning-4-years-old-in-2-days brother Josh starts his very first day of junior kindergarden next week.  Today I visited the school with Josh and we met his teacher and walked around the classroom to see all the various centres.  He is excited about school and I'm fairly sure he'll adjust well too. Hopefully that love for adventure and exploring won't land him into too much trouble.  Your older brother Josh has always loved "all things outside". His favourite was the moon since he was very, very young.  He'd point it out and we'd have to acknowledge that we saw the moon too.  He could barely talk, but every single evening Josh would look around for the moon. He'd excitedly point out "Moooooon, mama.  Moon!" On the nights that the moon was not out, he's always say, "No moon, mama?"  He now collects rocks, sticks and loves to peel tree bark off the giant tree next to Buni's driveway. He ALWAYS picks flowers for me - even out of Apko or Sigi's garden - and asked me to put it behind my ear.  We joke around that your brother will become a park ranger on day.

Your two brothers couldn't be more different.  For Noah, spending lengthy time outside is a chore. One day this summer Noah said the following quote: "Mama, I'm outside-sick.  When people spend too much time out at sea, they get sea-sick.  So I'm outside-sick.  Can I come in?"  And later that same week Noah said to Buni when she asked for help in her garden, "I'm an indoor kid, Buni, not an outdoor one."

I wonder what you will love Zoe.  Where will your heart gravitate?  I can't wait to see your little personality emerge. For now I'm enjoying the new little smirks and smiles you're offering.

I love you,
Your mama

The Real Napster

Dear Little Zoe,

I miss you when you nap.  I want to wake you to see your cute little squinty eyes that match your daddy's.  I want to snuggle close to you and smell your baby smell.  But when you sleep you are comfortable.  You are happy.  Some times when you are awake you are cranky and not very content. So I let you nap.  And you are quite a napper.  At night time you only wake up once at about 5 am and that makes this mama very happy.  Your brothers were not cranky or colicky but they woke up every 2 hours at night.  You let mama sleep and sleep... Sometimes you don't wake up all night. What's that about?  Are you some kind of amazing baby or what?

I really want you to not have tummy aches so mama started doing some research to see what could be hurting your tummy and causing you grief.  One culprit could be the protein found in cow's milk. You aren't drinking cow's milk, of course - you're not even 2 months old yet.  But mama is.  Lots of it!  And the protein gets in the breast milk and your tummy doesn't like it one bit.  So, for you, I cut it out of my diet.  I am drinking only goat milk.  Which I've come to like.  Your grandparents are also drinking goat milk and they are saying it's the best milk in the land.  You are doing a bit better since mama stopped chugging the cow's milk, but you are still pretty fussy sometimes.  Your daddy and I have also purchased some gripe water for you.  We call it "Pickle Juice" because it smells like a jar of dill pickles since one of the ingredients is dill.  I am on the hunt for what else helps.

You also like to nurse laying down.  You are such a little goose! When mama lays down with you to nurse, you get sleepy and mama gets sleepy.  I wish I could sleep every time you sleep.  But that's just not the way it works.  Your brothers need mama's constant attention (and Super Vision) and the chores around the house certainly won't take care of themselves.  I know when you'll be older you'll be a big helper to mama.  The boys are too, but if mama is napping with you then the chores are napping too.  When I nurse you sitting down your tummy complains and you cry.  I don't want to cause you pain so I lay down with you every chance we get.  We snuggle and nap together... but often our nursing is interrupted and you are woken up by two very loud and bouncy brothers.  In time we'll get this, you and I.  Another month or so and you'll be better, I'm sure of it.  

I love you Zoe.  You make mama and daddy very happy.  We are over-the-moon excited to have you join our little family. 

Love,

Your mama

Tiny Thief

Dear Little Zoe,

You have stolen my heart.  You are only 7 weeks old but you are a tiny thief.  I can't tell you how excited I am to have you.  My first girl; my third child; my little Zoe.

I have loved you dearly since the first time I found out I was expecting you.  Here's the story of how I found out:

The day after I turned 29 years old in early November, your older brother Joshua and I headed over to the nearest walk-in clinic since he was having a pretty bad cough for many days.  I handed him the iPad, seated him down in the empty waiting room and headed over to the glass window to announce our arrival.  A receptionist in her late 30s slid the glass window to the side and greeted me warmly.  I gave her Josh's health card and explained the cough, the fevers, the chills, the works.  She took the info and told me to have a seat.  As I turned to leave, I quickly turned back and she paused mid-slide.  She opened the window all the way once again and I asked if it's possible to also be tested for pregnancy, since I am at a walk-in clinic.

In the previous month there may have been a few fun nights with your Daddy that may or may not lead to baby number 3 for us.  As a mommy with Type 1 Diabetes I have to find out as quickly as I can so I can start being proactive and diligent about my blood sugars.

The receptionist took my health card, my info - T1D for 8 years, not on any contraceptives, Daddy and I are trying-ish to conceive - gave me a pee cup and I did my thing in the ity-bity waiting room bathroom.  She graciously kept her window open and one eye on Joshua while I peed... not very graciously, but either way there was enough there for a dip stick.  I was in a rush to see that Josh was still in Zombie-mode with the iPad and had not wondered off into the Pharmacy or down the street.  As you will find out, he is an adventure-seeker and explorer at heart, so it would not have surprised me (nor will it surprise you).  I washed my hands with the door open while watching him continue playing Sonic.

I delivered my "specimen" and sat down next to Josh.  Within a minute, we were in.  Again, in the smallest examination room conceivable.  So small, that once the doctor came in, I had to step aside and behind the door he had just closed to allow him room to walk past the exam table and over to one of the two chairs in the room.  It was awkward and he apologized.

He asked me what would be my response to being pregnant.  I responded that I would be excited and I meant it.  He said, "Well good, because you are definitely pregnant.  Very, very early pregnancy but very surely pregnant."

I truly was excited.  I wanted to hug him... but that would have been awkward and the spacing of the room did not allow for such a gesture, nor would it be welcome.  I resolved to wait till I saw your Daddy in a few minutes.  

I barely heard what he said from there on.  Something about seeing family doctor, taking vitamins, blah blah blah.... I was pregnant!  I was making a baby!  God had blessed us with another little tiny life growing inside.  

The doctor checked Josh and said he has a simple cold and sent us on our way. That's good news, times two.

You, Zoe, are baby number three for your Daddy and I.  Both your brothers, 6-year-old Noah and 3-year-old Joshua, were conceived while your mama was Type 1 Diabetic.  Thankfully both pregnancy were wonderful, with no complications and no issues.  Labour and delivery were all natural (both pregnancies were considered "high risk" due to my pre-existing diabetes and so I wanted as little intervention as possible) easy-ish lasting 6 hours and 4 hours respectively.  Finding out about baby number three (you!) could do nothing but cause joy and excitement.

The doctor told me I was about 4 weeks along and that you are as little as a poppy seed.  A POPPY seed!  That is very little.   

Although my heart's desire was to have a girl, I understood that having another boy would be one hundred times easier.  But I decided to trust that God had picked out whatever gender He knew would be right.  In the Bible He tells me to "present my requests to Him" so I did.  But always, not my will but His.  Besides, I had all the clothes I needed for a boy, I had all the toys, the boys would naturally play well together, I know how to change boy's diapers, how to play chase/swords/tag/hide and go boo/Super Mario Galaxy with boys... whatever would I do with a girl, I thought; Braid her hair, do our makeup, talk over tea, do dishes together?  Sigh... A girl can dream... 

And I did dream.  I dreamt of you, little Zoe.   When I found out you were a girl I was more than ecstatic!  God had granted my heart's desire.  After two wonderful, loud, loving and super active little boys, I was grateful that God was also allowing me to raise a little girl.  

Zoe, I can't wait for you to fall in love with this God who created you and knit you together in my womb.  I may have carried you for 9 months and delivered you just 7 weeks ago, but it was God who knew you from before the foundations of the world.  He knew your name ("Zoe", which means "life") He knew everything about your personality (which is slowly starting to show) and He knows all the days you would be on this Earth (which I hope are thousands upon tens of thousands).

I love you Tiny Thief.  You have stolen my heart and I don't mind one bit.  You are so precious and special to me, dear little Zoe.  

Love,

Your Mama